


Here's hoping life is kind

by chubsTheGreat



Category: B.A.P
Genre: Angst, M/M, i hate reading angst, lets see how this goes, oh well, oh yeah yongguk's dead, why did I write this, yet my first fic ends up an angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-28
Updated: 2017-08-28
Packaged: 2018-12-19 05:05:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11890638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chubsTheGreat/pseuds/chubsTheGreat
Summary: We were always a team. There was no me, there was no you; there was only us.





	Here's hoping life is kind

Light dances over your grave, slipping between the soil that you call home and the slab of granite that keeps you from me. I am blinded by the setting sun and the myriad memories it brings; you and me, me and you, nothing else, sat on the rooftop of an irrelevant building as the world seems to fall apart, yet as long as you are with me, it does not affect us. The way even the glaring globe of fire could not compete with your wide smile, which even now, as a faded memory, brings the hint of a smile onto my tired lips.

That night, the night before everything changed, I made a promise to you, and to myself. A month has passed, and as of yet, I have not broken it. I have not glanced at another person, will not allow them to see me as you saw me.  
And I know, I know that you would not want me to shut myself off from the world. Our friends are here, and they anchor me enough to prevent me from drifting to join you. Jongup, for all his quietness, sees more than we gave him credit for, and he understands the need for silence. Youngjae brings bubbles of laughter to me when I am unable to stand the silence. Solace comes in the form of Daehyun's loud chatter, who knows when to fill the conversation for two people. Days that remind me of you, Himchan comes over, and his comforting aura makes the fear of tomorrow dissipate for the time being.

But when they aren't here, I am alone again. You left me alone, and although I could never blame you, I'm unable to comprehend my feelings towards you.

Feelings are something I've always struggled with, and you knew this. No matter how hard I try, I cannot describe them - yet somehow, you knew. You knew.  
Feelings are not things that can be labelled, put in a box; they have no shape, how could a label possibly remain on something that is always in the corner of your vision, twisting, turning, shifting, just out of reach? Trying to catch them and contain them inside a box is just as fruitless; the lines twist and blur, melting into a pool of chaos and turmoil.

Instead, feelings can be classified by colours, emotions, and thoughts. Auras surround objects, tasks, places and people. In the end, nothing is left for me to think freely about.

Except...

Except you.

You were nothing, and you were everything.

You were the incandescent, intense sun, the somber, silent moon.

You were everywhere, and then you were nowhere.

You were nothing, but you were _my_ everything.

In retrospect, I see now that someone who burned as brightly as you could not be chained to this humble earth; try as we did, you seared through any links to the living soil - even through me.

And I know, I know that I'm being unfair. Another's stupid mistake, and you paid the price for it. Never, _never_ would you have chosen that path. However, one thing led to another, and as our paths crossed in the beginning, so we cross here again. Ends will come, and someday this, too, will fade. But that will not be an end; instead, it will be our meeting, and nothing will change that. Whenever that may be, I am willing to wait, if you will too. Wait beyond Heavens gates for me, and when I join you, the world will begin anew.

Speaking of waiting, I would like to apologise. We visited you the other day. All of us.

And I know for a fact, that I was the only one who hadn't visited yet. Maybe I'm wrong, and you aren't disappointed in me. But just like you left me, I left you.

I had a reason, but now I feel a little stupid about it. My feelings were jumping over eachother, and there was this stupid, _stupid_ feeling that was yellow and glittered. Sprightly leaping between my fingertips, it led me in a foolish dance that was new, that shone and beckoned to me, that was hope. Hope that you weren't gone.

Because if I never saw your grave, I could tell myself that you were simply taking a quiet break. Since you did this a few times, it seemed reasonable. Eventually, though, I saw sense.

You're gone, and you're not coming back. My feelings are still not quite aligned, but I can tell you that this is blue, and it's deep, and it's neverending. 

But anyway.

We have an entire lifetime to figure this out. Talking to you helps, and our friends, surprisingly enough, have small pearls of wisdom to offer. 

Let us talk of merrier things instead! You are, of course, aware of what day it was when we visited?  
Today is a little late, but hey, better late than never, right? I brought some flowers, and a cake. (I also brought your favourite wine. It must be difficult, without alcohol).

I brought you something else, too.  
Bang Yongguk, you are a very intelligent man, but sometimes you are also quite slow on the uptake.

We did discuss this matter, but you never seemed to take it too seriously. Even when Jonguppie found me in that place which really could only mean one thing, it didn't seem to click. _Even when_ we were at my sister's wedding, and I suggested to you that that could be us, you merely laughed and asked who would wear the dress. 

And the night I called you over, the night that you noted I sounded very eager, the night I commented that I wasn't only going to be pleased to see you, but that I really would have something in my pocket...

Well.

I have to say, I'm surprised you didn't notice. But I hate to leave you in the dark, so...

Here goes nothing...

(and everything)

.

I was going to propose to you that night. Five minutes. You were five minutes away from being my fiancé, my engaged, my betrothed. Five minutes turned from you becoming my husband, to becoming road kill.

But we have no chance in this cruel world. No more us.

But as long as I am alive to bear our flag, we will live on. In every tiny crack admitting light, we will live on. In every childs laugh, we will live on. As long as these tumultuous feelings keep building and building, what I feel for you will only grow stronger. With every burst at the seam, I will take the pain, I will tame it, shape it, into a reminder that I am human. To remind me that you wait for me, in the end.

So, ironic as it sounds, a toast to our health! Here's hoping that life is kind.

**Author's Note:**

> ugh this was an emotional train wreck!! i'm so sorry about this, i'm not even sure if it's any good. anyway, here's hoping my next fics are happier! (by the way, i snuck in a cheeky reference here ;) 'Silent Moon' by Jia Peng Fang is the most beautiful piece of music i've ever heard, go check it out!)
> 
> Your new friend (hopefully)  
> chubs :)
> 
> ps. just out of interest, anyone from the uk? just wanted to know how many babyz are from here (i am)


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